Top 5 albums most likely to give you cancer of the mind
There are countless heavy and extreme bands flooding the extreme metal scene at present, but relatively few that actually pose a threat to your health. This review compiles a list of seriously hazardous, antihuman and antihuman albums.
1. PORTAL: Outre
This album is a true scourge on the human race. The sound could be described as “universally ominous”, as it is sickening to most life forms regardless of age, race or position in the food chain. Its spiralling and chaotic structure induces the mind into a state of degenerative confusion that shifts from paranoid schizophrenia through to a catatonic trance. It’s like having a nightmare inside of a nightmare, in which you suddenly swallow your own throat and gaze in horror as you watch a staircase literally fall down the stairs.
2. IMPETUOUS RITUAL: Relentless execution of ceremonial excrescence
Next up is this wretched filth of a record which is the musical equivalent of a thousand hunchbacked men in chains digging a hole for half a century until they hit the magma core and drown in lava. Its cancer inducing properties include the systematic depletion of all hope.
3. DIOCLETIAN: Doom cult
This is distilled, fermented and putrefied loathing in sonic form. The first time I heard this album I was overcome by a pounding pain in my chest. That was because I had been inadvertently thumping my ribcage with my own fists and furiously gnawing my teeth like an orangutan on amphetamines. Neanderthals have discovered the amplifier.
4. BLACK WITCHERY: Inferno of sacred destruction
The barbaric savagery of this album is designed to bring out the worst in every person. Listening to this means invoking the inner bastard that dwells inside, no matter how righteous you think you might be. If listening to this repeatedly doesn’t eventually lead to the implosion of your mind, it will surely result in murder.
5. DEAD CONGREGATION: Graves of the archangels
This band is immensely poisonous for your soul. Every single time you play this album the Virgin Mary gets gang raped by coyotes with rabies and aids. Meanwhile, Jesus gets abducted by winged apes, gets knocked the fuck out, gets placed in the recovery position on top of a railroad track, gets severed in two by a train on fire, resurrects after the third day and it starts all over again as soon as you listen to dead congregation.
We’re about to commence recording Terminal Aggressor II. Terminal Aggressor was a tape release from 2008 when life seemed to make a lot more sense to all of us. We pressed only 100 copies of Terminal Aggressor, but if you managed to get a copy, it’s a vicious release and you’re guaranteed to trip out forever.
Terminal Aggressor was a collaborative effort with our friend Kas Mana and you should take the opportunity to check out his latest experiment, “Mantisce”. Death to false noise. We’re also aiming to record a live noise set for a split release with Gnaw Their Tongues from Holland. We’re not really too fucked about a label just yet, the primary aim is to create a noise so sonic that skulls will implode. On that note, this month’s list is all things AMSTERDAMN and it is with great pleasure that Dragged Into Sunlight endorse the black stuff, the green stuff and anything in between, pot is officially man’s best friend. Church of Misery and certain Wino riffs are a close second.
1) Zong Bong – the reason this takes first place is because, well i’ve never owned one, that seems like a ludicrous reason but it seems that whilst i’ve been dreaming in dog years, Zong have reached a martyr-like place in my mind, reserved only for the likes of Mayhem’s Deathcrush vinyl press on Posercorpse. It just looks cool as fuck. The 2004 Original Zong Bong has elegant curves, green tint 5mm glass, solid slider and downstem for a clean hit. Perhaps it seems cooler than it actually is and if that is in fact the case, i’m all ears. But realistically there are only two negatives I see with owning such an item - if you drop it, you’re fucked and cleaning the pipe would be a mission. But I put it to you that the types of people who drop their bong or clean their bong shouldn’t be smoking pot. Zong come with the added bonus that they don’t smash easily, unlike ROOR, who come to the market with an extortionately priced milk bottle.
2) Amber 420 Jar – the first heavy wearing stash jar. Available in three different sizes Extra Small, Small and Medium. Now you’re probably thinking, who needs a glass stash jar when you can use a trusty Braveheart VHS case or several thousand baggies. It may seem like another unnecessary piece to the puzzle but this thing comes in handy. It’s smell proof and when handled with relative care, the thing doesn’t smash. Having owned a variety of other stash jars, i.e. Roor, I am the first to vilify the unnecessary purchase of glassware. Glass is easily broken and when it smashes, it is never a good thing. One of two things normally happens – you end up cleaning minute pieces of glass from every corner of your room or you end up wounded. But so far, my Amber 420 stash jar has proved to be the perfect companion. Strong, reliable and holding 7g, it packs a punch. Good for storing seeds too. The only disadvantage is if your jar goes empty, it becomes almost as insufferable as an Oxfam advert. On the otherhand, if your jar never goes empty, it becomes sort of a mixing pot, 7 grams of goodness. My recent mixing pot is dubbed Hendrix, noone has a fucking clue what’s going on but whatever it is, it’s life affirming.
3) Kavatza Rolling Pouch – I would say that this is more of a Summer accessory really. It’s for the mobile smoker on the move. It can basically be described as a glorified wallet for your pot with adequate space for storing papers, small grinder, tips, pot and tobacco. It’s old suede leather, so lasts literally forever and the more worn it becomes, the better it feels to touch when your high. I can’t really sell this as essential, you can definitely live without one, but it beats putting all your shit in different pockets so that rolling your next joint becomes rocket science, everything in a different place, then you put one thing down and end up losing your skins. It’s probably about as necessary as roach tips. Ok, so it’s fine to tear up a train ticket or desecrate your Rizla packet and there’s no social stigma attached, but my point is that Jeff Hanneman did not write Haunting the Chapel using a Stagg amp. A professional delivery is everything and if you want to cut corners, that’s cool, but you’re only cheating yourself. It comes with a pokie and a rolling perch, and it folds easily. It just seems much more sensical than your Original Rolling Tray brand which really isn’t so original at all. It’s just a fucking box with shit hinges.
4) Cheeky One Grinder – I’ve owned countless grinders in my life, but this is by far the best. We’re on our four year anniversary. It never loses its shine, it’s completely silent and totally efficient. Cheeky one specialise in grinding small amounts but really, when you think about it, do you really need to grind enough herb to last you in case of a nuclear fallout. Not really. You need enough to last you for a day or two and Cheeky One offer a pocket size light weight solution to the problem without sacrificing chambers. Not to mention the dust tray is quite discrete and as it’s only small, it’s relatively easy to fill yet carries the same overwhelming sense of reward. It’s got a decent capacity but if you get arrested in a foreign country, you know that you’re still going to see Christmas. I would sell this as a tour friendly grinder. It’s definitely not party friendly, but that isn’t so much of a concern if
you have a general distaste for human kind.
5) Volcano Vapouriser – Vapouriser sounds like something out of star trek. This gadget is definitely from the future. It’s a low ranking, because really it isn’t totally essential, it’s over priced and it’s a bit confusing. But I assure you, Earth’s ’2′ will never sound the same again. Paying for one of these things is along the lines of funding surgery to look like Sly Stallone, your life will never be the same but at the same time, noone will ever fuck with you again. A lot of smokers are using vapourisers nowadays with the mindset that it’s the healthier option. I’m not saying quit tobacco, but if you have a spare £400, this will make your weekend and perhaps your life.
(I would like to welcome UK misanthropic metal assassins DRAGGED INTO SUNLIGHT to Metal Army. These guys will be visiting Metal Army once a month to spread their brand of hate across our blog. Hails! -Editor)
Top Five Slayer Drum Fills:
1. Angel of Death – 4:24 – 4:28 – Is this a drum fill or a drum solo? I’m not sure it matters. This percussion assault remains one of the best drum parts of all time. It’s just one big build up to Lombardos most memorable tub beating moment. This fill changed my understanding of extreme, only Lombardo is real.
2. Seasons in the Abyss – 1:00 – 1:15 – SITA is a very close second. This fill is the kind of drum fill that makes you want to break necks. If I dropped my sticks during this, I would definitely continue pounding with my bare fists. It’s just straight up Lombardo aggression delivered with uncompromising spine snapping power.
3. Dittohead – 0:02 – 0:04 – Short, knife sharp and to the point. This one teases the adrenaline gland.
4. Jesus Saves – 1:09 – 1:15 – Lombardo demonstrating signature power with a menacing build up that makes you want to take an angle grinder to the next crucifix you see.
5. Black Magic – 1:53 – 1:54 – This is exactly the kind of roll that made Lars Ulrich shit himself in 1983. The master delivers a lesson on the art of thrash. Specialist subject: kill.
This month we’ve been working on “Widowmaker”, the first 40 minute instalment of three is to be released on Mordgrimm records. It sounds like the reptile claw of Godzilla crushing a small civilization so far.