Doctors at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, Florida, may have discovered the cause behind Morbid Angel’s widely-panned new album, Illud Divinum Insanus. In a public statement released by the band’s management, frontman David Vincent has been recently been diagnosed with a fast-growing brain tumor.
Founding guitarist Trey Azagthoth elaborated, stating, “When we went into the studio, David was all about making songs like ‘Radikult’ and ‘Destructos vs The Earth’, and I didn’t know what to think. He has always been an unconventional thinker, but he had a lot of pretty strange ideas this time out. I guess this also explains that weird tremor in his left hand.
According to the report of Dr. Harvey Weiz, Vincent’s attending neurologist, the brain tumor is a glioblastoma multiforme, which can be present for an extended period before suddenly accelerating in growth. Dr. Weiz estimates that the tumor probably manifested around 2009, which is when principle planning of the band’s new album began.
“Subjects with this kind of affliction may act erratically,” explained Weiz, “and changes in personality and ability to reason are unfortunately uncommon. Some people will become irritable or estranged from loved ones, while others may act maniacal and animal. It’s a devastating and serious condition.”
Many people around Vincent agreed there were warning signs. “He was making these really far-fetched attempts to justify the new material,” said former Morbid Angel drum tech Rick Barry, “I read a lot of his recent interviews, and I assumed he was just really desperate. I feel bad that it turned out this way, but it makes sense. The guy trying to insist that Illud… was on par with Blessed are the Sick isn’t the David Vincent I know.”
While his condition is regarded as grave, Vincent has insisted on finishing a spate of summer festival appearances with the band. Fans have reported unusual behavior from the singer/bassist, including meandering and pointless speeches between songs, and an inexplicable insistence to add bad goth singing over Morbid Angel’s classic material.
“We are encouraging David to seek treatment as soon as possible,” stated band manager Gunther Ford, “this illness has already caused notable damage to his health, along with the credibility of Morbid Angel. We want him to get well and hopefully create something that will help undo this fiasco of an album.”
Mr. Vincent could not be reached at press time, and friends close the band state that he is currently occupied with living hardcore and radical, in addition to having regular seizures.
Deicide drummer Steve Asheim made a startling announcement today that he has dismissed infamous founding frontman Glen Benton from the group.
“It was time,” stated Asheim, “Glen is simply past his shelf life, but Deicide still has more to say. We needed a change.”
Even more surprising is the accompanying revelation that Benton already has a replacement – an old couch that Asheim found discarded in front of a residence in his hometown of Tampa, Florida.
“I was out running errands the other day, and I noticed that a house down my street had just tossed out their old couch,” he explained. “I took one look at it and realized that it was the new face of Deicide.”
After loading the threadbare and stain-covered piece of furniture into the back of his pickup, Asheim wasted no time in informing Benton of his dismissal. It is expected that longtime fans of the notorious death metal group may not readily accept such a crucial change in the band’s lineup, but the drummer remains optimistic, stating, “Glen was really essential in getting Deicide to where it is today, but now we need someone out front who is stable, reliable, and excited to be there. Sure, the couch is all beat up, smelly, and covered in cigarette burns, but so is Glen.”
The couch, which started out as part of Ethan Allen’s 1993 Fall Collection, was purchased for the den of a family household, and it went on to unofficially serve as a bed for an ailing golden retriever before its appearance on the curb. While Deicide will be the upholstered interior accessory’s first band, many insiders have high hopes for the change in personnel.
“That couch is fucking awesome,” stated Earache A&R representative Dave Wilson, “I’ve seen it in rehearsals, and it totally fills Glen Benton’s shoes with no problem. I didn’t sit on it because it’s infested with bedbugs, but I think it will be the new blood that Deicide has needed for a long time.”
Asheim agreed, saying, “People were pretty upset when the Hoffmans left the band, but we proved that Deicide could succeed without them. Having the couch in the lineup will allow us to further those goals without all the last-minute show cancellations and wild mood swings. I can’t wait!”
The couch’s first appearance with the band will be on the upcoming album, “God, I Hate You”, with North American and European tour dates to follow.
There has been a fair amount of press on the whole “Big 4” showcase, even though the bands in question have been pretty stingy about making the package available to most of their American fans. Perhaps the most undersold moment was at the Indio, California, performance when Slayer’s Jeff Hanneman came out on stage with his hollowed-out right arm to play an encore with his bandmates. Necrotizing fasciitis is some serious shit, and the fact that he was able to perform at all says everything about his (and, by extension, Slayer’s) true greatness.
All things considered, Terrorizer Magazine’s recent “Choose the new Big 4” poll couldn’t have been more inappropriate. The whole premise of new bands effectively replacing the biggest names in the genre is ludicrous in any case. We’re talking about bands who changed the world (well, at least in the case of Metallica and Slayer), and who were inarguably popular and successful.
There will never be another thrash band that sells a million copies of anything, ever. The industry keeps trying to do this pathetic Pet Sematary thing with the propped-up retro-thrash gimmick, but it isn’t working. Like the man said, sometimes dead is better! More significantly, the bands mentioned don’t even properly represent a post-download era movement. Who are they?? I see a couple of bands I recognize, including my Texan compatriots in Pasadena Napalm Division (they’re good, check them out), but with a few exceptions this list is full of nobodies that will make zero impact on metal, period.
The Brits love to act like their nation’s current output is just as good as the NWOBHM stuff, but the only ones they’re fooling are themselves. Evile is not going to become a dynasty, no matter how bad those gob hacks over at Terrorizer want it to be true. Keep in mind that this is the same publication that repeatedly put the execrable Akercocke on their cover, even though they were virtually anti-popular outside of London. Pretty much the last British band that made any waves was Cradle of Filth, and since then it has been nothing but blue Mondays for that sad little island. Napalm Death hasn’t helped things with their insistence on recording new albums.
So, back to this stupid list; some of you might be reading this and thinking, “Hey, fuck you! Juggern0rt is my favorite band! They’re gonna rule the world!” If that’s you, then you’re beyond help. Enjoy your deluded life. As for the rest of you, I’ll employ the litmus test by which all metal should be judged - if aliens landed on earth and ordered you to recommend relevant new thrash bands, would you give them this list? Think it over. The fate of mankind could depend on it!
More to the point, this list reveals the conceit of retro-thrash; the motivations are largely about living in the past and riding the coattails of bands that were actually memorable and meaningful. There’s far too much focus on retread and imitation, and no concern for creating something viable for the new generation of fans. As it stands, to claim that any current band can stand with the Big 4 is as reasonable as Civil War recreationists trying to take credit for winning back the South.
The bottom line is that bands like Slayer are huge for a reason and they simply will not be replaced, especially if modern thrash continues to serve as some kind of RenFaire for denim enthusiasts. And on a personal note, I am not in the least bit annoyed that Birth A.D. was not mentioned. I’ve never been so proud to be excluded.
When I’m out on tour, I like to eat ice cream with stuff in it. Smooth ice cream is for 3 year olds who still risk choking if they try to swallow a Macadamia nut. Despite all the cutesy packaging, Ben and Jerry’s is still the best store-bought ice cream ever. I can eat just about any flavor they make, though right now Late Night Snack is my first choice. The caramel mixed with the salty chocolate-covered potato chip bits tastes even better than you’d guess. It’s so irresistible that I always eat the pint in one sitting.
I’m not much of a drinker, so it’s nice to have new kinds of ice cream to try out when traveling through different parts of the country. Sometimes I’ll get locked into the “Moose Tracks” flavor variations for a while when I’m going through the Midwest. The chocolate, nuts, and peanut butter combination never dissapoint. Blue Bunny does a pretty decent version called “Bunny Tracks”, but it’s basically the same. All of that goes out the window if I find a Ben and Jerry’s flavor that isn’t common in Texas, though. “Chubby Hubby” doesn’t just grow on trees.
Sometimes it’s easier to grab something portable, especially if it’s the end of the night and you don’t want to bother with a spoon. Nutty Buddy and King Cone are common, cheap, and tasty, even if they are a bit over-processed. The best part is the bottom of the cone where all the chocolate filling collects. There’s nothing like one last big bite of crunchy chocolate to close things out.
Occasionally, we’ll come across an ice cream store like Baskin Robbins or Marble Slab, which is a welcome change of pace. Fresh strawberries in Belgian chocolate ice cream is a surefire winner, and BR’s mint chocolate chip is quintessential. Avoid Cold Stone Creamery, though; their ice cream is garbage and they cover it up by adding a shitload of sweetener. I tried it when I was out with Immolation in New York, and I nearly threw up in Times Square because of it.
If you’re in the South, don’t miss an opportunity to stop at Dairy Queen. They invented the Blizzard, which is of course soft serve with ground up cookies or candy bars in it. The Oreo Blizzard is their flagship item for a reason, so give it a shot. If you’re not looking to pound 800 calories, try a chocolate dipped cone instead. Braum’s ice cream stores in the North Texas/Oklahoma corridor are pretty excellent as well. They get their milk from local dairies, so the everything is fresh and savory. Their brownie ice cream is outstanding, and their burgers are pretty good, too.
Sometimes in a pinch I’ll go for a plain vanilla soft serve at McDonald’s. It’s kind of hard to mess up. Their hot fudge sundaes are ok but pretty remedial. They have no idea how to make a milkshake, so don’t waste your money on that.
Oh yeah, and Morbid Angel’s Illud Divinum Insanus is fucking awful. What a piece of shit. You probably knew about that already from all the other reviews that tore it apart, so don’t even bother with it.
Press releases are kind of glib and overdone as a rule. The point of promotion is to make something sound as cool and important as possible in the interest of… well, driving interest. This idea becomes problematic when promoting an underground metal band, because it’s not easy to sell it as both hip and dangerous at the same time. It’s even worse when the band in question isn’t doing anything all that earth-shattering, as it requires a lot of padding that reveals the press release as an inflated make-work piece that only exists to repeatedly put the band’s name in bold type.
I’m sympathetic to the people who have to come up with reports on bands, regardless of the actual necessity, but it doesn’t bode well for the health of the underground when some of these announcements read like parodies of the real thing. One of these recently made it to my Examiner column’s inbox, and for the sake of preventing a lot of hurt feelings that don’t want to hear about, I have re-edited the content with brackets in an attempt to capture the nature of metal press releases in general. Keep in mind this was written from the perspective of a cynical veteran. Your mileage may vary.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
[BAND NAME] recently announced a series of shows [ because they haven't had their name thrown around on Blabbermouth recently], along with an upcoming new album that [has no release date in sight].
Upcoming shows for [BAND NAME] include performing a headlining gig at [a venue the size of a tool shed], with [several unknown support acts that you've never heard of]. Next they will will appear at [some small pseudo-metal festival you'd never attend], where they will share the stage with [many other bands of equally dubious distinction]. Following that, [BAND NAME] will appear at [a really horrible second-string metal festival that you'll ignore in favor of the Maryland Deathfest]. Then the band will head off to play [a respectable European metal festival, which is nice for them because they will get their name in print with a bunch of bands you know and actually like]. Earlier this year, [BAND NAME] was out in support of [a band that has been played-out for a decade and only has mall kids for fans].
The current lineup of [BAND NAME] consists of [a series of guys from bands we make you feel like you should have heard of, but haven't ], along with [the trendy ringer musician from bands you've heard of but would never listen to], and founding member [guy who is responsible for the endless revolving door band lineup]. According to him, “the new album will sound like [a bunch of popular stuff from the mid-90s that was co-opted by every metal band on earth to great detriment], but also with [something that sounds threatening and underground while being non-specific].” The band is also recruiting [an unnecessary additional member], whose identity will be announced [in the next superfluous press release].
Members of [BAND NAME] are also working with [underground band that was active 20 years ago, but were finally discovered by people 10 years ago, though this band only seems to have found about them last year] on a new collaborative effort that [sounds like it's going to be awful] and will be [instantly irrelevant]. Full details are forthcoming, and the release is expected to [show up on distro clearance sales within three months of release].
Expect more updates of [BAND NAME] activity in the coming weeks, and check out the band’s song [forgettable title], which was just made available on [laughably inappropriate mainstream media outlet].
[This was fucking hysterical to me and it reminded me of the video below. -Editor]
I have really come to hate the local bands who open for touring packages. I mentioned this in my last update, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. Like I said, there was a time (about 20 years ago) when it was exciting to see local metal bands. Texas was one of many American hotbeds for the upstarts who got to open for the big names, and a lot of those bands went on to become bigger themselves in the process. For fans, it was all part of the underground continuum, and we looked forward to seeing our local favorites stand tall with the touring bands. They represented our local scenes, and they added a regional flavor to what an already great lineup.
Things aren’t that way anymore, and they haven’t been for a long time. The reason I’m noticing it now is because it’s clear that this miserable trend isn’t going to change anytime soon. With very few exceptions, all the local opening acts on the Rotting Christ tour were horrible. They also came in three flavors – shitty death metal, shitty metalcore, and shitty black metal. Death metal is the oldest of the three styles, and shitty death metal bands have been around in droves since the beginning, so no real surprise there. The shitty metalcore was laughable, mainly because it’s a new style that has already flared out, and basically the only kids who still play it are hicks who loiter at malls. I was, however, surprised at the number of immensely shitty black metal bands that popped up on the bills. American kids are still trying to do that? Christ.
Anyway, the short version is that these bands were nothing but trouble and detracted from the shows without exception. Some readers of this blog are younger and more impressionable, and so here’s a few pointers for how to make your band something other than the bane of the headliner’s evening.
Show up early.
You’re going on first, fuckers, so make a point of getting there a minimum of an hour before doors open. Make sure your jerkoff keyboardist has the day off from work, that everyone’s car runs, and that your guitarist knows that the show is TODAY.
Be aware of your set time and honor it.
If you’re late to the gig or take to long to set up, that’s too goddamn bad. The clock doesn’t start ticking when you finally start playing, it starts based on the posted schedule. If you’re supposed to be on at 6:30 – 7:00, and you start at 6:45, then enjoy a 15 minute set. Also, make a point of preparing a set that matches your time slot! One way you can help yourself is to:
Play shorter songs.
Local black metal bands in particular really love songs that contain a hero sandwich’s worth of riffs and at least three false endings. If you’re trying to give potential fans a proper sampling of your work, how does being long-winded benefit you. It’s true that some bands have long songs in general, so just learn to write ones that are actually good and it will all come out in the wash.
Put your paint on after you load in.
It’s hard to refrain from picking on the horrible black metal bands (I admit to having a personal stake in it), but there’s so much grist for the mill. So you took my advice and showed up early… in full corpse paint. Why? There’s nothing you have going on with your look that you couldn’t attempt after you loaded your gear on stage. Most of you guys are doing the standard “panda bear” move anyway. Are you trying to prove a point? Do you feel like it’s not black metal to show up in your street clothes? It’s actually the other way around, kiddos. The only time you should be wearing paint and spikes in on stage. And don’t leave it on for the rest of the night while you watch the headlining bands, either! Find some self-respect.
Forget about Cradle of Filth.
If you’re in a US black metal band that has been around for less than a decade, chances are that Cradle of Filth is a prominent part of your musical lexicon. Considering the band effectively peaked in 1998, I don’t know why this happens. The inevitable result is that your band is not only influenced by CoF, a band long regarded as non grata in the black metal community, but you’re influenced by their unbearable post-millennium output. That’s some pretty heavy double jeopardy, and your band is all but dead in the water if Dani Filth is still your hero. Get heavy into Slayer instead; you won’t be better liked, but you might be less hated.
Don’t have a problematic gimmick.
If you want to wear masks or corpse paint or faux fur (yep, seen it) on stage, go right ahead if it doesn’t mess with your set time. If it involves projectiles, liquids, explosions, or anything else that might break stage gear or shut the show down outright, then forget it. You’re not Watain, and you won’t get to be anything like them if you sabotage an entire concert with your moronic shenanigans. Some douchelord openers in Rochester had a dead octopus as a prop, and nobody dug it. Apparently, they’re now banned from that venue. Come to think of it, maybe all opening bands should do retarded shit at shows and get banned as a result – it would solve a lot of problems!
Don’t argue…
…with anyone, about anything! Shut the fuck up! You are the local band, and you don’t have a say, period! The touring package that comes on after you just got done sucking the air out of the room is into this endeavor for hundreds of thousands of dollars. That probably never occurred to you. Do you have any idea what it costs to fund a tour bus? Trust me, nobody besides your skank of a girlfriend gives a flying fuck about whether or not you feel like you’ve been treated fairly. Take your $30 payout and go bitch about it at the Denny’s across the street.
Get your shit out of the way.
Once you’ve blundered through your time slot, the real bands will be ready to play, so get your shit off the stage. Don’t try to take the cymbals off the stands one by one – yank them off to the side and put them away later. Get everyone in your band handing stuff off like a bucket line from an old-timey fire brigade. We don’t care how your gear leaves the stage, as long as it’s this instant!
There are plenty more pointers where these came from (in point of fact, similar lists are floating around, but whatever), but these were the things I saw and dealt with every night with Rotting Christ and Melechesh. It was sometimes embarrassing to try to explain to two European act what was wrong with all our regional bands. After a fashion, I simply couldn’t. If you’re in a local band and don’t do any of the things above, then congratulations and see you on the tour circuit. If not, you’re probably not aware of it, so re-read this list until it sinks in. Either way, get the fuck off the stage!
Right now I’m on the Rotting Christ/Melechesh tour as a guitar tech and stage manager. I already wrote an article about touring that you guys seemed to like, and I don’t want to repeat myself, but here are a few supplemental insights.
1) Bring more socks than you need. I didn’t heed my own advice and after 3 days of tromping around in the rain I have to spray my feet down with Lotrimin.
2) Winter weather bums are much scarier than warm weather bums. It’s, “Pahdon me, ya’ll gotta quatah?” versus, “Gimmie a cigarette, muthafuckah!”. The worst part is that everyone in cold climates are layer dressed, so you often won’t spot the bum in question until he’s within mugging distance.
3) Coffee shops are your friend, especially ones near colleges. They have comfortable seating, free wifi, warm beverages, and friendly eye candy at the register.
4) Local bands are part of the problem. There was a time when local underground acts would one day become the heroes of tomorrow. That’s not true anymore. All they do is bore the shit out of the fans who bothered to show up at doors, and they often make the headliners late because they’re completely unprofessional with set times.
5) Touring is really a romantic idea to women. It’s not just a groupie thing. I feel like I get more adulation as a roadie than I have when I was regularly touring. How does that work?
There’s more, but I’ll save it. I’ll write a proper rant shortly. Touring is disruptive!
As shown on the banner above, my band is called Birth A.D., and lately people have been asking what the “A.D.” is for. The answer is actually long-winded, so let’s just say it’s “After Death” to keep it simple. It never occurred to me that some might think it was an example of one of the cheapest moves in the industry.
Cheesy name variations have been in metal since there were more than 10 bands performing it, because for some reason many acts can’t see their way clear to concede and think of something else. And the excuse that all the good names are taken simply demonstrates a lack of creativity. Just get over it and change your band name, or be forever stigmatized through one of the lame tactics below:
1) The meaningless add-on - This is the most common dodge out there, as bands the world over use it to avoid getting sued when it turns out they don’t have legal control of their name. The “A.D.” tag is unfortunately a very regular occurrence. Sometimes a numerical tag like “666” appears, or in really dire circumstances bands will tack on “Rising” or the dreaded “Inc.” to the end. It never bodes well for a new band, because it comes off as desperate as trying to set up an alternate email account when the desired address is already taken.
2) The “locator” tag – Nothing says “No, the other one”, like a national or even city locator in a band name. Some groups that hung it up or changed their name will release posthumous material with the locator, like SA Slayer (SA as in San Antonio) or Overkill LA (no, really!), but most of them don’t make it very far up the chain this way. Remember Wrathchild America? This is the most transparently sheepish and apologetic name trick, which is why it’s relatively unusual.
3) The intentional misspelling – If there was ever a more embarrassing strategy in retaining a band name, I’d like to hear it. Critics of metal make an issue of its subliteracy, and groups who resort to this sleazy solution don’t help our case. You can kind of get away with it if the name isn’t English (witness the endless variations of Nifelheim), but in general it looks stupid. “Blizard” with one “z”? “Wizzard” with two? “Witchcraftt”? Yikes.
Face it, if you still pronounce it the same way, then it’s effectively the same name and you’re being a sore loser (and a loser in general). Scrape up some dignity and get a name that you can spell correctly. You’ll also save yourselves the humiliation of being mistaken for the band that everyone actually likes.
4) The overused modifier – “Black”, “Dark”, and “of” are examples of another popular dime store maneuver. Someone else got your band name? Just slap a scary sounding adjective in front of it! A metric ton of demo tapes and CDs feature bands called “Black” something, and outside of Black Sabbath virtually none of them have made a notable impact. “Dark” has fared a little better. And how many varieties of “Funeral” do we have on record? Even the word “Funeral” itself has been soundly abused over the years.
“Of” is a personal favorite of mine because it usually leads to laughable names that don’t make any sense. “Garden of” and “Gates of” are two common offenders. The variation “Ov”can be even worse, though it mostly shows up in late model black metal. And don’t even think about calling your band “Eternal” anything. That ship has sailed.
5) The denial method – And finally, the model of metal passivity – denial! Countless bands take a commonplace name with no regard to other bands who use it (or once used it) and then hope nobody notices. “Legion” is a tired favorite, and demonic names like Astaroth and Azrael are totally played out. It never seems to stop anyone, though. The interesting thing is that while names like these are popular, it’s in part because no one band has ever broken out and claimed it forever. There’s only one Metallica for a reason.
After considering all of this, I can’t understand how any band formed post-1995 would ever make the mistake of picking a taken band name. It’s not like they can’t investigate beforehand! Back in the ’80s it was plenty possible for two groups to use the same name and not be aware of each other. These days it’s just plain lazy, or dumb, or both. Again, I say – change your damn band name already! And stop asking me about mine!
Finally, some justice in the world! As reported by Reuters, video game publisher Activision announced it was canceling its line of Guitar Hero games. They cited declining profitability as the culprit. This is good news for metal on one hand, because it means that no more metal songs will be reduced to an overworked version of Simon (google it, jerkoff). The bad news is that it also means that legions of kids are discarding a gateway into extreme music. Sure, Slayer was far and away the heaviest band on Guitar Hero, but tons of kids got into scarier stuff by listening to them and the early works of Metallica, who had their own game package in the series.
This was bound to happen, and it’s just as well. Nobody sticks with any one form of entertainment for too long these days, and the art of playing guitar was being terribly trivialized by Guitar Hero and its variants. Rocking out was never about a ranking on a scoreboard, and it certainly took more than hitting colored buttons to achieve anything.
The only lamentable part is that we’ll probably see all those imitation SG and Explorer guitar clones jamming up landfills by the hundreds in short order. I’m no eco-fascist, but it would be nice to see folks who fill their homes with plastic crap to be forced to live with it all forever. In the meantime, all those kids could have owned real guitars and actually learned to how to play, even if it was just as a hobby. I actually really like video games, but no passive activity should supplant a creative outlet. What does it say about our society that I’m not particularly old, yet I usually feel as curmudgeonly and irritated as someone over twice my age?
Well anyway, Guitar Hero is dead and we won’t have to hear about it anymore. Something even stupider will inevitably show up, but hopefully it won’t be in metal’s back yard. As soon as “Metalocalypse” fucks off, we’re in the clear!
Howdy! I’m Jeff, and I front a crossover thrash outfit from Austin, Texas, called Birth A.D. We’re not officially one of the ‘cool’ bands yet, but we’re working on it. I’m in other groups you’ve probably heard of, and I work as a guitar tech and stage manager for many bands you love. When I’m not doing that, I write about metal for the National Examiner and several other publications. I’ve toured the world, I know a lot people, and I’m famously opinionated. Josh from Metal Army decided to give me a celebrity column anyway, so hopefully it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I came prepared for my inaugural article, so let’s dive right in and cause problems!
10 Rules of Engagement When Touring
So, your band just got signed to a “big label” and now you’ve been added to a package tour across America? There are a few things you should probably know. Everyone is guilty of starry-eyed idealism somewhere in the process of establishing a band, and touring tends to inspire some of the biggest fantasies. Touring is the most fun you’ll have doing something exhausting and underappreciated, and the last thing you want is to have your bubble burst in the middle of it.
Note: The advice below assumes your band is on a tour bus, though most of it applies in a van situation as well.
Don’t expect to go anywhere or do anything.
You’re not on vacation when you tour. Any real free time will be between about 2 and 4 in the morning, so don’t expect to see the Washington Monument or Dio’s gravesite unless you have a day off. This goes double if you’re on a tour bus, because once that behemoth is parked at the club, it isn’t moving until it departs for the next city. Half of the shows on a metal tour are going to be at venues in the center of hideous commercial districts, so your chances of making it on foot to anything good are low (if it’s Detroit, then you’re totally screwed). This brings us to:
Make friends on the road.
Touring burns everyone out in a hurry, so it’s therapeutic to have friendly faces waiting for you at various stops. Hanging out with someone who isn’t stuck on the bus with you is always nice, and sometimes friends can bring you groceries, lend you their showers, or actually take you places if they have a car. This means you might get a decent dinner out or see something cool if it’s relatively close by. Tours are always a mixed bag, so your reliable constants will be the people you meet in the process. Some of them may be dedicated fans, some may work at the clubs or with other touring acts, and others may be in the local bands (though this is less common unless you’re into drugs). If meeting people isn’t your thing, then you’re either in the wrong line of work or a lead singer.
Stay healthy.
Touring is dirty and disruptive on many levels, and the opportunity to get sick is high. You’re going to eat a lot of low-grade food, miss a lot of sleep, and be exposed to a ton of people and their germs every night. It may sound neurotic, but alcohol-based hand cleanser should be present and used regularly when on tour. Try to sleep as much as you can, eat a quality meal every so often, exercise when possible, and don’t party too heavily. Or conversely, if you’re used to partying heavily, don’t try to stop while on tour because you’ll get sick and then get everyone else sick too. Also, get a flu shot. So what if the government uses them to put tracking devices into your skin? Having the flu on tour is the worst thing ever.
Maintain low expectations.
No show is a guaranteed winner, no matter how many times you’ve played there before. For example, Toronto is usually great unless your concert is during a hockey championship. It’s better to go in expecting nothing more than to play the best show you can under the least inspiring conditions. There’s no reliable formula here; the club may be a notorious hellhole and still draw a ton of kids on a Tuesday, or it may be a Saturday night at the best place in town and nobody will show up. Don’t worry about it any more than you’d worry about the sun rising. Go in without any expectations, and it will feel that much better if something good happens. And no matter what anyone tells you, ticket pre-sales don’t mean a damn thing. Promoters keep that myth alive as a way to preemptively screw bands out of guarantees.
Hire reliable help.
Don’t ever let anyone volunteer to come out on tour with you. Only take people you’ve agreed to pay, otherwise you can’t obligate them to do anything. Pick relatively sober and competent people you know well or who come recommended. This is particularly important with merchandise sellers and tour managers, as they collect your money. Sometimes these people are recruited by management, so it’s not always up to you. If they do a lousy job, particularly when they’re merch sellers, don’t hesitate to point it out and insist on better. If they don’t shape up after fair warning, dismiss them and send them home at the next stop. Too many bands hold their fire on this particular issue.
When you’re playing your home town, go home.
No matter what role you play in the tour machine, it’s understood that you’re going to go home for a while when the bus arrives in your town. Unless things are going terribly wrong, nobody is going to mind. They will want the same consideration when the tour makes it to their town. Go home and play with your pets, use your own bathroom, and rail your significant other. Make sure to be back when you’re needed, and no one will begrudge the satisfied smile on your face.
Don’t get busted.
That may seem like an obvious statement, but it still happens plenty. The main causes are drug-related, so observe discreet behavior if that’s your thing. Too many bands suddenly act like laws don’t apply to them the moment they hit the road, but it’s actually the opposite because touring is high-profile. You will stick out everywhere you go, so anything illicit should be handled extra carefully. Don’t beat anyone up unless you’re in the right (fighting someone while on stage offers a degree of immunity), and don’t do anything remotely forcible with groupies. Police involvement can sideline an entire tour in the worst cases, so it’s better to party at the shows and keep it legal while in transit. Highway patrolmen live to bust people, especially folks like you.
Don’t tell customs anything.
See above. Entering Canada is almost always miserable no matter how you play it, so don’t make things easier for those bastards. Let one person do the talking, ideally your hand-picked tour manager, and don’t volunteer information to customs agents. If they ask you a direct question about anything besides your identity, shrug and refer them back to your spokesperson. This ensures that details like the amount of taxable merchandise and the agreed performance fees are not in debate. Usually if the headliners can’t get in, then the tour won’t go there, but crew and support bands can be a wild card. If you have a criminal record of any note, speak up well before you head north. Unless you have done a truckload of administrative work beforehand, you’re not getting in. Arrangements will have to be made for you to catch up with the tour on the US side.
Pack light, pack smart.
The gross reality is that the less clothes you bring on tour, the easier it will be. For a month on the road, pack three pairs of pants and four shirts. The way to make this work is to always wear the same clothes on stage every night (unless you have some kind of specialized outfit) and then keep a “dry set” of stuff to wear once you’re cooled off and on the bus for the night. Bring as much as you can in terms of socks and underwear, though. The best method is to invest in a few wicking (and rinsable) undergarments like Underarmor, and then buy a big pack of tube socks at Wal-Mart. Throw each pair away after two days of wear. With the luggage space you save, bring batteries, extra cables, a small tool kit, a bath kit with some first aid items (you’d be amazed how often bandages are needed), work gloves, flashlights (multiple as they tend to get lost), pens, and over the counter medication, particularly Immodium and ibuprofin. Someone on the tour will need at least one of these items at any given time, and you’ll look like a hero for coming prepared.
Keep strangers off the bus.
This might be the most common tour transgression around. Tour buses quickly become homes for the bands and personnel traveling on them. They keep all their valuables in there, and it’s the only place where they are guaranteed to have time away from the idiots who attend their shows. The only outsiders welcome on the bus are press people with arranged interviews, spouses of band members (girlfriends are a gray area), and well-known friends of the various bands. Even then, when extra people get on, anyone who doesn’t know them is going to feel intruded upon by default. If it’s clear that even you don’t know the person you invited, prepare for visible irritation and a request to take it outside. Buy your drugs or hook up somewhere else – there’s a whole world just past the front lounge!
As always, there are exceptions to every rule, and this is far from a comprehensive list. Just use your common sense and don’t be an asshole. If that sounds like too tall of an order, AC is always in need of session members!
(Metal Army would like to welcome Jeff to the site as a new guest blogger, we are huge fans of BIRTH A.D. and Jeff’s other projects and look forward to more pieces from him in the future. In the meantime, check out BIRTH A.D. online at their official website, Facebook and Twitter. – Editor)
