Press releases are kind of glib and overdone as a rule. The point of promotion is to make something sound as cool and important as possible in the interest of… well, driving interest. This idea becomes problematic when promoting an underground metal band, because it’s not easy to sell it as both hip and dangerous at the same time. It’s even worse when the band in question isn’t doing anything all that earth-shattering, as it requires a lot of padding that reveals the press release as an inflated make-work piece that only exists to repeatedly put the band’s name in bold type.
I’m sympathetic to the people who have to come up with reports on bands, regardless of the actual necessity, but it doesn’t bode well for the health of the underground when some of these announcements read like parodies of the real thing. One of these recently made it to my Examiner column’s inbox, and for the sake of preventing a lot of hurt feelings that don’t want to hear about, I have re-edited the content with brackets in an attempt to capture the nature of metal press releases in general. Keep in mind this was written from the perspective of a cynical veteran. Your mileage may vary.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
[BAND NAME] recently announced a series of shows [ because they haven't had their name thrown around on Blabbermouth recently], along with an upcoming new album that [has no release date in sight].
Upcoming shows for [BAND NAME] include performing a headlining gig at [a venue the size of a tool shed], with [several unknown support acts that you've never heard of]. Next they will will appear at [some small pseudo-metal festival you'd never attend], where they will share the stage with [many other bands of equally dubious distinction]. Following that, [BAND NAME] will appear at [a really horrible second-string metal festival that you'll ignore in favor of the Maryland Deathfest]. Then the band will head off to play [a respectable European metal festival, which is nice for them because they will get their name in print with a bunch of bands you know and actually like]. Earlier this year, [BAND NAME] was out in support of [a band that has been played-out for a decade and only has mall kids for fans].
The current lineup of [BAND NAME] consists of [a series of guys from bands we make you feel like you should have heard of, but haven't ], along with [the trendy ringer musician from bands you've heard of but would never listen to], and founding member [guy who is responsible for the endless revolving door band lineup]. According to him, “the new album will sound like [a bunch of popular stuff from the mid-90s that was co-opted by every metal band on earth to great detriment], but also with [something that sounds threatening and underground while being non-specific].” The band is also recruiting [an unnecessary additional member], whose identity will be announced [in the next superfluous press release].
Members of [BAND NAME] are also working with [underground band that was active 20 years ago, but were finally discovered by people 10 years ago, though this band only seems to have found about them last year] on a new collaborative effort that [sounds like it's going to be awful] and will be [instantly irrelevant]. Full details are forthcoming, and the release is expected to [show up on distro clearance sales within three months of release].
Expect more updates of [BAND NAME] activity in the coming weeks, and check out the band’s song [forgettable title], which was just made available on [laughably inappropriate mainstream media outlet].
[This was fucking hysterical to me and it reminded me of the video below. -Editor]