Top 5 albums most likely to give you cancer of the mind

There are countless heavy and extreme bands flooding the extreme metal scene at present, but relatively few that actually pose a threat to your health. This review compiles a list of seriously hazardous, antihuman and antihuman albums.

1. PORTAL: Outre

This album is a true scourge on the human race. The sound could be described as “universally ominous”, as it is sickening to most life forms regardless of age, race or position in the food chain. Its spiralling and chaotic structure induces the mind into a state of degenerative confusion that shifts from paranoid schizophrenia through to a catatonic trance. It’s like having a nightmare inside of a nightmare, in which you suddenly swallow your own throat and gaze in horror as you watch a staircase literally fall down the stairs.

2. IMPETUOUS RITUAL: Relentless execution of ceremonial excrescence

Next up is this wretched filth of a record which is the musical equivalent of a thousand hunchbacked men in chains digging a hole for half a century until they hit the magma core and drown in lava. Its cancer inducing properties include the systematic depletion of all hope.

3. DIOCLETIAN: Doom cult

This is distilled, fermented and putrefied loathing in sonic form. The first time I heard this album I was overcome by a pounding pain in my chest. That was because I had been inadvertently thumping my ribcage with my own fists and furiously gnawing my teeth like an orangutan on amphetamines. Neanderthals have discovered the amplifier.

4. BLACK WITCHERY: Inferno of sacred destruction

The barbaric savagery of this album is designed to bring out the worst in every person. Listening to this means invoking the inner bastard that dwells inside, no matter how righteous you think you might be. If listening to this repeatedly doesn’t eventually lead to the implosion of your mind, it will surely result in murder.

5. DEAD CONGREGATION: Graves of the archangels

This band is immensely poisonous for your soul. Every single time you play this album the Virgin Mary gets gang raped by coyotes with rabies and aids. Meanwhile, Jesus gets abducted by winged apes, gets knocked the fuck out, gets placed in the recovery position on top of a railroad track, gets severed in two by a train on fire, resurrects after the third day and it starts all over again as soon as you listen to dead congregation.