Greetings, you insignificant flecks of rat-dandruff. It is I, your master and commander, Oderus Urungus, and NOT some bellicose actor from some weird place that supposedly we are going to play shows on at some point in the near future. I think we can all agree that Russell Crowe is an asshole!

Yes, I am back with another “blog” for this wonderful site. Now, I admit that I am not a big fan of the blog. To hear the asinine and irrelevant details of your completely meaningless lives holds no appeal for me whatsoever. But for some reason blogging is even more popular than sex so I suppose I am going to try once again to get something like that going for all you METAL ARMY fanatics. Plus, as much as it pains me to admit it,  I feel more than a little obligated to help the human condition when I am not busy destroying it.  We did create you by fucking apes, and after spending years amongst you I have developed a sort of paternal feeling towards you. Kinda like having a retard for a kid. No matter how much you smack it, he never seems to learn. Now don’t think for a minute that gets you off the hook. I still love beating my kids. Sometimes the old ways are best!

Wow. I was going to write all about that movie District 9, and how a really awesome horror/syfy movie is really a more awesome commentary on colonialism in Africa. Then I was going to get into the connection with “Muti”, the ancient African black magic that uses human body parts, taken from living victims, to make potions and talisman’s to protect and heal it’s followers, and use that as a metaphor to illustrate how black and white culture has consumed each other and created the completely fucked-up situation in Africa today. But then I started thinking about smacking retards around, and I couldn’t stop laughing!

C’mon, think about it…retards are funny! The way the come at you with that big, smiling moon-face, a face soon-to-be decorated with a big red hand print, and here’s the best part–they want more! So free of shame, they gleefully shit themselves in anticipation of another smack. Eye’s bulge and baby-food is spilled as you apply another knuckle-cracking wallop–but oh no! You went too far this time! The retard starts crying–the completely lost and forlorn spit-flying-everywhere balling that only a brutalized retard can muster. Hilarious!

Every month I will end my column (it’s not a blog) with a quote (from me) bearing wisdom you can use every day in your life, as long as you don’t mind going to jail. Here’s “Words of Wisdom From Oderus Urungus Number One”

1) “Always enjoy beating your ‘tard, but always remember, don’t hit him too hard!”

Truer words were often spoken. So you will have to wait until next time (I will try to make it every month) to get my thoughts on whatever I am thinking about then. In the meantime prepare yourself for our new album, Bloody Pit of Horror, out on Nov. 9th, our Pay-Per-View Halloween concert webcast (check GWAR.net), and finally our appearance on Jimmy Fallon Oct. 28th.