Posts Tagged ‘satire’

BIRTH AD’s Jeff Tandy Presents BLATHERMOUTH #2: New MORBID ANGEL Album Now Attributed to Brain Tumor

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011

Doctors at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, Florida, may have discovered the cause behind Morbid Angel’s widely-panned new album, Illud Divinum Insanus. In a public statement released by the band’s management, frontman David Vincent has been recently been diagnosed with a fast-growing brain tumor.

Founding guitarist Trey Azagthoth elaborated, stating, “When we went into the studio, David was all about making songs like ‘Radikult’ and ‘Destructos vs The Earth’, and I didn’t know what to think. He has always been an unconventional thinker, but he had a lot of pretty strange ideas this time out. I guess this also explains that weird tremor in his left hand.

According to the report of Dr. Harvey Weiz, Vincent’s attending neurologist, the brain tumor is a glioblastoma multiforme, which can be present for an extended period before suddenly accelerating in growth. Dr. Weiz estimates that the tumor probably manifested around 2009, which is when principle planning of the band’s new album began.

“Subjects with this kind of affliction may act erratically,” explained Weiz, “and changes in personality and ability to reason are unfortunately uncommon. Some people will become irritable or estranged from loved ones, while others may act maniacal and animal. It’s a devastating and serious condition.”

Many people around Vincent agreed there were warning signs. “He was making these really far-fetched attempts to justify the new material,” said former Morbid Angel drum tech Rick Barry, “I read a lot of his recent interviews, and I assumed he was just really desperate. I feel bad that it turned out this way, but it makes sense. The guy trying to insist that Illud… was on par with Blessed are the Sick isn’t the David Vincent I know.”

While his condition is regarded as grave, Vincent has insisted on finishing a spate of summer festival appearances with the band. Fans have reported unusual behavior from the singer/bassist, including meandering and pointless speeches between songs, and an inexplicable insistence to add bad goth singing over Morbid Angel’s classic material.

“We are encouraging David to seek treatment as soon as possible,” stated band manager Gunther Ford, “this illness has already caused notable damage to his health, along with the credibility of Morbid Angel. We want him to get well and hopefully create something that will help undo this fiasco of an album.”

Mr. Vincent could not be reached at press time, and friends close the band state that he is currently occupied with living hardcore and radical, in addition to having regular seizures.

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